Incessant Divigation

“LOCATING THE ILLEGIBLE” 

by Rick Jones, Husband of the Minister's Wife

We interrupt this rambling for the following message: When I looked through all the comments for last Friday's article, not one person questioned or commented on its title. If you can spare the time, take another look and see if you can figure out why it's called “Like a Bicycle.” The explanation is at the end of this week's article.
We now return you to our regularly scheduled divagation.

I decided to start writing this column for my wife's blog while I was in the hospital, recuperating from a toe amputation. Here we are, the eleventh installment of my [allegedly] humorous ramblings, and I'm finally using the first notes I wrote for the column: a list of questions and answers concerning my medical situation. I worried that I wouldn't find those notes today – I'm not very good at retaining paperwork, but I'm exceptionally adept at misplacing it. In this case, before I located what I was looking for, I ran across: misfiled sermon outlines; a reminder to look for a new Star Trek comic book series [now an old series that I missed]; prescription information for medicine I no longer take; and a mystery novel that I hadn't finished. That book had been lost for so long that I've forgotten what I read; I not only have no idea “whodunit,” I no longer recall what they did.

Then I had to actually read my notes. My handwriting has been called many things, but “legible” isn't one of them. I often have trouble reading it myself. Ironically, way back in fourth grade I won a penmanship award, first in my class for neatness. You'll have to take my word for it, though. I was given a certificate, but . . . well . . . I misplaced it.

This problem isn't limited to documents. I had a left shoe with no mate for about three months before I finally threw it away. I kept figuring the other shoe would turn up while I was searching for my misplaced comb, watch, or Son of Frankenstein DVD. Do you recall a few years ago, when astronomers said that our solar system had eight planets instead of nine? That's because it was my turn to watch Pluto.

But having found, reviewed, and edited the “Foot FAQs” notes, I'm ready to give you the article I planned to write over two months ago.

One problem: Now, I'm out of space. So that will have to wait until next Friday.

If I can keep track of my notes that long.

About last week's title: it was inspired by something I saw in a joke book way back in elementary school. The article repeatedly mentions that I was exhausted. So I ask you, how many tires does a bicycle have? Just two. And how is an exhausted man like a bicycle? He's just “too” tired.