Friday, June 5, 2015

Incessant Divigation



“LIKE A BICYCLE”
by Rick Jones, Husband of the Minister's Wife

Before I was admitted to the hospital last month I spent three hours laying in a bed in the emergency room. This was after thirty hours without sleeping more than twenty minutes straight, twelve hours of the time suffering from the effects of food poisoning.

I've been told that prolonged lack of sleep can produce each and every effect of LSD use – and at a significantly lower cost. So maybe my exhaustion explains my severe discomfort. All I know is that I was considering converting from Baptist to Catholic, since I felt like that three hours suffering from that ER bed would offset a few years of time in Purgatory.

If that remark makes no sense to you, don't worry. And if you're Catholic, understand that it's not a sarcastic theological comment. It just goes to show you that I was really, really tired.

When I was told we were going up to a hospital room, I was looking forward to the wheelchair ride because I'd be out of that bed. But no – they wheeled me up on the bed from the ER. Ow. Ow. Ow. I learned that there is something worse than laying in an ER bed: laying in a moving ER bed.

We exited the elevator, went down the hall, then stopped a few feet from the door to my room. A nurse on that floor asked, “What's he doing here?” I started to answer, “Developing blisters on my --” but was interrupted by another nurse saying “Oh, we haven't finished preparing the room. Just let us make the bed.” She looked into the room and exclaimed, “We can't use that, it's a bariatric bed!” Meing a very impatient patient, I considered saying that my name was Barry Atric, or promising to gain 275 pounds . . . did I mention that I was really, really tired?

Help arrived to remove the bed It was wider than most beds, and they knocked molding off the door frame while I watched and suffered. A regular bed was quickly found and brought in. I figured it would be just a few more minutes. Then someone in the room asked, “Where's the mattress?” I asked if I could sit in a chair while I waited, but the only person who heard me was Lois. She shushed me because by then the pain had distorted my voice so much that she was afraid they might pitch me into the Behavioral Medicine Ward [which was called the Loony Bin back in simpler, politically incorrect days] if they heard me. [I believe I mentioned that I was really, really tired.]

A mattress was eventually found – a NEW mattress, which was cheery news – and placed on the bed. Some of the staff started making the bed while another person plugged it in. Then someone said, “Hey! I saw sparks!”

I guess they have some kind of rule against things like electrical shorts in hospital beds, what with oxygen lines and sleeping patients and that sort of thing. By then, as you might guess, I was willing to take the chance . . . did I mention I was really, really tired?

The call went out for another bed, and the malfunctioning one was wheeled out. Only after they brought in the next bed did someone notice that the new mattress had disappeared, having been removed with “Old Sparky.”

While we waited for this detail to be resolved, I again asked if I could sit in a chair. I figured that if I annoyed the staff enough, maybe someone would give me a shot of morphine just to keep me quiet. Yeah, I know that sounds silly, but at the time, it seemed like a reasonable idea. After all, I was really, really, really tired.

30 comments:

  1. I have been to the point of being so tired I was completely delusional, but I have never heard that state being compared to an acid trip before.

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    1. He doesn't really know, he's just guessing that is what it is like. LOL!!

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  2. I bet your bed felt so good once you were able to get in it.

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    1. It was! He mentioned it several times. Even with the weird angle they kept his foot at he said it was more comfortable!

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  3. ugh, being tired beyond the point of exhaustion is the worst - but happy to know you rest eventually followed :D

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    1. He was very glad to finally get some rest!

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  4. I am sorry to hear the trouble you went through. Hope you are much much better now.

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    1. He is doing a lot better now. His foot is pretty much healed, just some little things to get used to.

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  5. Your experience sounds similar to my experience in 2006, the whole family contracted a really bad strain of Norovirus from the local senior home. So hard to deal. Feel better!

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    1. He's doing great now! But cautious about what he eats a lot more now!

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  6. I'm sorry to hear about what you went through before you finally got to lie down and get your rest. I hope you are feeling much better now.

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    1. He is and he enjoyed resting that night a lot! Course the medicine they gave him for pain and to sleep helped a lot too!

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  7. Hope he's all better! I love when our men guest post!

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    1. He's enjoying writing this column! He has another 4-5 already written and ready to go! Cracks me up!

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  8. Holy crap...what a story! Oh, and I am Catholic, totally Catholic and I laughed. I'm currently going through some issues and for over a month I haven't been able to sleep for more than three hours a night because of the pain I'm in... so I'm really, really sorry. I know how bad it can be :(

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you are dealing with. That can be very rough! But I am glad you could laugh at the Catholic humor.

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  9. So sorry you had to go through all these troubles, but I am hoping you are out of it now. I have been in to such position before & I know coming out of it is a big task altogether.

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    1. He's doing pretty well now. No more food poisoning. And other issues are getting better.

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  10. I am sorry that you had such a rough time in the hospital. Hopefully you have gotten some sleep.

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    1. He has indeed, although he might say he never really gets enough sleep. I think I would say the same thing. Lots of us don't get enough sleep. ***sigh***

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  11. Did you get that shot of morphine? Hope he is doing better.

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    1. He did get the morphine and it helped a lot! He is also doing better!!

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  12. I hope you are feeling better and back home in your comfy bed.

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    1. He is! He's also enjoying the occasional snooze in his recliner too!

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  13. Lack of sleep ='s delusional! Yes and so does lack of coffee ;)

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    1. Oooh I can relate on the coffee part! I really need my coffee in the morning!

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  14. Rick,
    When you need your facts on sleep loss vrs drugs checked, feel free to ask. Some not every would work better. You miss out on things like that from being the 'good son'.
    RJJ

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    1. I'll remind him to double check, although I had my fair share or experience there too sadly!

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