Friday, December 4, 2015

Incessant Divagation

“LOADING . . . LOADING . . . LOADING . . .” 
by Rick Jones, Husband of the Minister's Wife

Someone recently asked me why there was no new edition of this column on a particular Friday. Since I know all my loyal readers [both of them] depend on this weakly [oops, that's “weekly”] dose of humorous insight to guide them into the weekend, I offer this explanation.

It's not because I missed a deadline, or because I don't care. It's due to THE COMPUTER AGE. You know, that portion of mankind's journey in which science [or Al Gore, it depends on who you listen to] gave us a marvelous tool – the Internet – to expand our capabilities, create massive amounts of free time, and make every task a breeze.

That's what the brochure said when they sold us this trip, anyway. But the information superhighway keeps veering into some rather unsavory neighborhoods, no one seems to know where all that free time went, and the breeze often becomes a whirlwind.

I don't know how many times Lois has planned to post my article at midnight, the last of four Thursday night projects, only to encounter enough roadblocks on the information superhighway to leave her staggering to bed at 3:30 AM, only two of the four projects completed, and my article forgotten. A few days ago she planned to hit the sack early, but had to post one last review, which required the transfer of one last photo. That's when she discovered that the site she uses for this task was “upgrading” and not immediately accessible. There had been no warning given for this inconvenience, which made it sort of like rounding a curve at night and having your headlights reveal that a bridge is out. Her deadline? Four hours. Their estimated time of completion? Four weeks. She had to find another site, learn how to use it [tutorials: always a joy], learn how it REALLY worked, then try to complete her task. That's when our internet service provider suddenly developed technical problems that led to our download speed varying from 75 whatsits per whatever down to 23.36 somethingorothers per someothersomething.

Hope I didn't get too technical for you there.

I don't know much about computer terminology. In fact, I'm so blog-unsavvy that I don't even know what the internet term for blog-unsavvy really is [maybe unblog-savvy, or something equally unsavory]. Lois has to post these words. She has to do everything connected with this column except write it. I do know that there is an inverse relationship between KBS and BP. That is, when the download speed gets lower, Lois's blood pressure gets higher.

I've also learned about the three simple short-term coping mechanisms Lois relies on:
[1] Chocolate.
[2] More Chocolate.
[3] [used only if chocolate supply is depleted] Cake, ice cream, pie, strawberries, Nutty Bars, cookies. Anything that can be justified by the insight that “stressed” spelled backward is “desserts”.

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