“FOOT FAQS”
by Rick Jones, Husband of Minister's Wife
Humor can be tricky business. It's so easy to cross the boundary line of good taste and offend someone unintentionally. My first sermon as a full-time pastor . . . no, I'll save that story for another day. This is about my toe amputation.
Amputation isn't ordinarily a funny topic, and I realize it can be a traumatic, tragic event. Some readers may think it's in poor taste to joke about it. But my subject is my amputation. Answering questions about it has proven to be amusing to myself and others.
Foot FAQs: Fairly Annoying Questions
about what's left of my left foot
1. Why did you have your toe cut off?
I was field testing my scheme to become the winner of next season's TV competition, The Biggest Loser.
2. Seriously, how did you lose your toe?
I didn't lose it, they took it from me!
3. How does your toe feel now?
How would I know? If you really have to know, call the surgeon – he had it last.
4. Where there any complications to the surgery?
I'm experiencing a “role reversal” effect between my proboscis and my pedal extremities. In layman's terms, that means my nose runs and my feet smell.
5. Why didn't you keep the severed toe?
Short answer: Lois said “no.” More accurate answer: Lois said “NO!” Long answer: Lois said “NO!” because I said I wanted to preserve the toe in brine in a small bottle and wear that on a chain around my neck. Then I could go to biker bars with my brother. I figured it would give me instant street cred as long as no one learned that it was actually my own toe. Lois also rejected my second plan, which was to sell the toe on eBay.
6. How can you joke about having your toe removed?
There's a serious answer to that question, which I'll share next week. This week's answer is, insomnia and pharmaceuticals. Because of pain from the toe infection and the added complication of food poisoning, I hadn't slept for more than an hour at a time for two days. At the hospital, I received morphine and an anesthetic. Your perspective on just about anything can be positive and downright whimsical when you're eight miles high and can have more morphine on request.
