Incessant Divagation

“I WROTE THIS NEXT WEEK”

by Rick Jones, Husband of the Minister's Wife

Time travel isn't just the stuff of science fiction. With today's scientific theories making the universe seem much more complicated than we used to think, many scientists are taking the concept of time travel seriously. The latest “consensus” is that energy, but not matter, could be transmitted through time. This would suggest that you could somehow send your younger self the names of the winners in the next five Superbowls or presidential races, and you could bet on these sure things and make a fortune . . . unfortunately, it's also generally agreed that time travel is possible only into the future, not the past. Which means you could do nothing more exciting than send yourself reminders that your library books are due.

The good news is that so much “science” these days is pure speculation, subject to drastic change. When I went to high school, we were taught that mankind first appeared just under 1 million years ago and the brontosaurus lived in swamps because their legs could not support their massive bodies. By the time I finished college, mankind's beginning was pushed back to 1.3 million year ago and the brontosaurus could stand on its hind legs. Today, our alleged ancestors are said to be about 2 million years old, and we are told that many dinosaurs had feathers. And each time, we were taught that science had spoken definitively and should not be questioned. So don't rule out physical time travel.

In a sense, you know thousands of time travellers. In fact, you are one! Here's why:

Think back to yesterday at about this same time. Since then, you have travelled one full day into the future. The only reason it doesn't seem remarkable to you is that it took approximately 24 hours to do it. Travelling into the future is so easy, even an infant can do it! Of course, in a couple of years he wouldn't be an infant any more.

But what about travel to the past? Is there any evidence that anyone has travelled to our time from the future?

Let's make the following suppositions: [1] Time travel is a complicated and expensive endeavor; [2] people from the future wold know much about us, but not all the minor details; [3] Greed is a constant factor in human history, and [4] The erosion of common decency is an observable social trend. So if beings from the future are here today, we should expect to see people who spout crude nonsense and speak only in uninformed generalities, but use their greed-inspired knowledge of contemporary financial trends to become wealthy and influential in spite of their bizarre behavior.

Hmm . . . Maybe time travellers are among us. Uninformed, wealthy, crude, speaking in bizarre generalities . . . It sounds like I've identified Donald Trump!

The Donald: visitor from another time. That could explain so much. Including the hair style.

Maybe we ought to be examining his birth certificate. Not for where he was born,but when. His legal age might make him too young to be president!

Incessant Divagation

“TODAY, SPELLCHECK. TOMORROW, THE WORLD!”

by Rick Jones, Husband of the Minister's Wife

I had planned to write this week about visitors to our culture from the future. But I have been distracted by time travellers.

More accurately, I became distracted from what I planned to write, because of my computer's response when I wrote the words “time travellers”. The spellcheck program alerted me that “travellers” is incorrect. I'm sure it will recommend “travelers”, one “l”. I prefer the double “l” spelling, which is still an acceptable though lesser used version of the word. General Robert E. Lee named his favorite horse “Traveller” – two “l”s – and as a transplanted Southern Boy, it's a nod to my Rebel roots that I don't bow to the whims of some high-falutin' technogeek from New York City or Silicon Valley. Take that, spellcheck, I wrote HIGH-FALUTIN' TECHNOGEEK! Deal with it!

Well . . . Spellcheck actually dealt with it, and suggested “highfalutin' techno-geek” when I thought it wouldn't recognize either term. I swear that program is getting smarter. There is so much about computers and the internet that seems designed to confuse and frustrate me that I think about the Terminator movies. My conclusion is that the SkyNet plan to eliminate mankind is in effect right now – but it's not what you think.

The “geniuses” who touted the wonders of THE COMPUTER AGE are not our friends. They are, in fact, Terminators. They are led by Al Gore, who came from the future to invent the Internet. Instead of sending cyborg assassins back in time to kill the Connor family and temporarily rule California, SkyNet has infiltrated our banks, homes, grocery stores and vehicles with microchips and internet connections. Now we're bombarded, not with nuclear warheads, but with fluctuating bank balances, automated 2:00 AM phone calls, declined credit cards, and warning lights that say your car is due for an oil change just 200 miles after the last oil change. Five minutes before the end of your favorite show, the TV goes black. Five miles before your destination, you get new directions. You know you saved an all-important file on your computer, but where is it now? And you've been using that password for years, it CAN'T be wrong . . .

Civilization's destruction is here: not from robot armies and a rain of missiles, but through the sharp rise in stressed-out mankind's collective blood pressure.

And most people do not see the end coming, having been distracted by fantasy football leagues, “Five Amazing Facts About” articles and a legion of new “cute cat” videos. They sit in front of that glowing screen for hours, minds growing numb, bodies growing flabbier . . .

Today, spellcheck. Tomorrow, the world!

Next week [assuming that SkyNet doesn't terminate me before then] I'll explain why time travel is actually more common than most people think, and tell you how to spot a visitor from the future. So be sure to check in . . . unless, of course, you are a time traveller, in which case you've probably already read next week's ramblings.