Friday, May 29, 2015

Incessant Divigation



“I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM” 
by Rick Jones, Husband of the Minister's Wife 

In early April I spent some time in our local emergency room with food poisoning. We don't know what caused the food poisoning. It was something I ate, obviously, but considering my love of food, that doesn't narrow down the list of possibilities much. I'm sure it wasn't Lois's cooking. Maybe it was that fast-food sandwich I found under the driver's seat of our van. The fact that I could not recall the last time I'd been to that burger joint might be construed as a warning sign.

Whatever it was, it hit pretty hard. My digestive system was already compromised from being subjected to oral antibiotics for a month due to a toe infection. I had worked on Monday night, and spent most of Tuesday futilely trying to rest, but staggering to the bathroom at least twice an hour. I am absolutely sure that there was absolutely nothing left in my entire digestive system [trust me, you don't want any details]. For the first four hours, I thought I might die. For the next four hours, that didn't seem like such a bad idea. For the next four hours, I wasn't really thinking at all. I was getting delirious, which explains why I kept telling Lois that I shouldn't go to the ER because I had to go to work again that night.

Finally I was too tired to argue. Lois helped me stagger to the van. She drove to the hospital.

I'm sure you know how boring an ER waiting area can be. So it must have been a thrilling diversion for all those people waiting there when I walked in. I had staggering down to an art by then, and it was enhanced by my exhaustion. It was probably just delerium, but I thought I heard a small child saying, “Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.” Folks were probably amused by the fact that Lois was beside me, steadying me with one hand and carrying a small plastic wastepaper basket in the other, anxiously hoping I would not have to throw up into it at any second. I'm not sure how everyone felt when I did [quite noisily]. Actually, I may have provided my fellow ER visitors with some comfort as they started thinking, “I'm feeling awful, but it could be worse. I could be that guy.”

The next three hours are a blur for me. I know Lois was there. I know that about seventy-two other people were deemed in greater need of help than I was. I know that when they said I was being admitted [for the toe infection, not the food poisoning, which by that time was over] I was thrilled, because regular hospital beds are much more comfortable than ER beds. Emergency room beds are not designed for people who desperately need sleep. They're designed for masochists who fantasize about saddle sores.

But seriously, folks – I'm grateful for the care I received and while I joke about it, I have no complaints about the hospital staff. And I hope they all have a good sense of humor – in case they read this article, and I end up in their care again.

22 comments:

  1. Glad you are feeling better!
    www.ohtobeamuse.com

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  2. I had a terrible stomach bug not that long ago. I don't know what it was. I was running a high fever and had multiple trips to the bathroom as well. Haven't been that sick in forever. I sick for about 3 days, I was somehow managing o stay hydrated, so I didn't visit the ER. Glad you are better now though!

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    1. We are too, but the food poisoning got him in so he could have the toe looked at! Otherwise the infection in the toe could have hit his bloodstream. No fun then!!

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  3. I totally love your sense of humor. Glad you are feeling better, keep that humor.

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    1. He will. he always seems to find it!

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  4. Food poisening is awful. Feel better soon.

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    1. It is awful but not as bad a toe amputation!

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  5. Wow, food poisoning is so awful! I am glad you are better and have kept your sense of humor.

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    1. It is better to see the humor in something instead of the horror.

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  6. What a completely horrendous experience. So sorry you had to go through that!

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    1. He wasn't too happy about it, but we have seen some good come from it already and are very thankful for that!

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  7. I got moved ahead of someone in the hospital ER. Another guy got really mad.

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    1. I've seen that. But they do base it on severity of the case. it's just that when you are the sick person you are sure you are worse off than anyone else. LOL!

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  8. Oh, I'm glad you're feeling better. Food poisoning is awful, but it did save you from getting a bad case of toe infection.

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  9. ER visits always seem to be like that to me too. Hope you are feeling better

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  10. Food poisoning is definitely not fun! :( I hope that you are feeling better now!

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  11. I am so sorry you experienced food poisoning. I am glad you are feeling better now

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  12. I've had food poisoning before and ended up at the ER as well - definitely no fun! Glad you are feeling better.

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  13. The last place you want to be is in the hospital. I never liked going to the hospital.

    Get well soon.

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  14. The stomach flu went through our house and hit us all in the same week! It was horrible and I'm glad your feeling better!

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