Incessant Divagation

“YES, I WANT FRIES WITH THAT” 

by Rick Jones, Husband of the Minister's Wife 

In a recent survey, four out of five doctors recommended food as a cure for hunger. The fifth doctor was out to lunch when we conducted the survey.

I like to joke about food, think about food, cook food, but mostly I like to eat food. That's not always a good thing. Back when Lois and I got married, I had a physique much like a young Charles Bronson. Now it's more like a middle aged Oliver Hardy. [Facially, I'm told I resemble the guy who played “Cooter” on The Dukes of Hazzard, but without his “good ol' boy” smile.] My abdominal “six pack” looks more like a keg. I'm sure my love of food has a lot to do with the change.

As a diabetic, I try to regulate what I eat, but my doctor doesn't think I really understand the concept. Following some blood work, he told me that my cholesterol was a bit high. “In addition to the diabetic diet, I'm also putting you on a diet for your cholesterol.” “Being on two diets sounds great,” I said, “because I can't get near enough food on just one.” I won't share the specifics of his reaction, but the volume was so high that I then needed a prescription for my earache. Actually, I thought I was an overachiever. Based on caloric intake, I had done two years of dieting in just six months.

I had planned to tell the story of my recent emergency room visit because of food poisoning, but that will be postponed to next week, because now I'm too hungry to continue writing. Besides, I saw a report somewhere that cow flatulence contributes to global warming and I need to do what I can as a responsible occupant of Earth. Less cows, less flatulence, less warming, right? So don't think of me as overeating. Just think of me as saving the planet, one cheeseburger at a time. And yes, I want fries with that. I haven't heard that potatoes are causing global warming, but you just can't be too careful. I don't trust potatoes. Something about all those eyes . . .

[I start feeling old when I realized how many people reading this might have no idea who Charles Bronson and Oliver Hardy were, and don't know that years before a very bad movie, Cooter Davenport and the Duke boys appeared in a very fun TV show.]